Great people talk about ideas, average people talk about things, and small people talk about wine.
- Fran Lebowitz

Q: How come Baptists don't have sex standing up?

( A:  )

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From last night's David Letterman! Leonard Nimoy stopped by to deliver the lines. The blod one's made me LOL

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10: Warp factor 8! Arby's closes in ten minutes
9: We're entering a breach in the space-time continuum or a wormhole or some crazy crap like that
8: Set phasers to fabulous!
7: Welcome aboard the Starship Enterprise -- today's in-flight movie is "Big Momma's House 2"
6: We've been hijacked by Somali Pirates
5: Sir, I'm going to need Saturday off to attend my nephew's Bar Mitzvah
4: My baby-daddy is a Vulcan -- on the next "Maury"
3: The Enterprise just hit a goose -- we're gonna have to land in the Hudson
2: Live long, prosper, and keep on hangin' and bangin'
1: I find your choice of a hairpiece highly illogical

Dear God,
So far today, I've done all right.
I haven't gossiped.
I haven't lost my temper.
I haven't been greedy, grumpy
nasty, selfish, or overindulgent.

I'm very thankful for that.
But in a few minutes, God,
I'm going to get out of bed;
and from then on, I'm probably
going to need a lot more help!
Amen.

"Just because your lost doesn't mean you don't have a direction." BSG

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There's always somebody who is paid too much, and taxed too little - and it's always somebody else. - Cullen Hightower

I know that we haven’t agreed on every issue thus far, and there are surely times in the future when we will part ways. But I also know that every American who is sitting here tonight loves this country and wants it to succeed. That must be the starting point for every debate we have in the coming months, and where we return after those debates are done. That is the foundation on which the American people expect us to build common ground. -- Pres. Barak Obama (0902.24)

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The sentiment that Pres. Obama expressed is one that is rarely expressed in political exchanges these days from either side of the aisle. As long as he continues to reach out to his opponents he will win this issue. If he, at some point, quits reaching out then we'll fall back into the old patterns. That he was a Senator instead of a Governor may work in his favor because he has Washington experience.

There was a story at my high school, from before my time. Someone nailed a banana to the wall of the teacher's lounge and hung a sign: Have you ever seen a banana die? Somehow it hung there for weeks. Then the school went off to Easter vacation. Upon the return a new banana was in it's place with a new sign: Do you believe in the resurrection?

The Atheist in the Woods

An atheist was taking a walk through the woods, admiring all that the "accident of evolution" had created. "What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!" he said to himself.

As he was walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly charge towards him. He ran as fast as he could up the path.

He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing in on him. He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer. His heart was pumping frantically and he tried to run even faster.

He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw the bear right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him.

At that instant the Atheist cried out: "Oh my God!....."

Time stopped.

The bear froze.

The forest was silent.

As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky: "You deny my existence for all of these years, teach others I don't exist, and even credit creation to a cosmic accident.

Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"

The atheist looked directly into the light, "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask You to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps could You make the BEAR a Christian?"

"Very well," said the voice. The light went out. And the sounds of the forest resumed.

And then the bear dropped his right paw ..... brought both paws together and bowed his head and spoke:

"Lord, for this food which I am about to receive, I am truly thankful."

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A little Unitarian Universalist girl was sitting on the curb in front of her house with a sad look on her face. An older lady happened upon her and asked her why she looked so sad. The girl replied, "My kitty cat died."

The older woman, trying to be helpful, said to the little girl, "I know you're sad, but right now your kitty cat is with Jesus."

The girl crinkled her nose for a second and replied, "What would Jesus want with a dead cat?"

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LOVETT: It's priest. Have a little priest.

TODD: Is it really good?

LOVETT: Sir, it's too good, at least!
Then again, they don't commit sins of the flesh,
So it's pretty fresh.

TODD: Awful lot of fat.

LOVETT: Only where it sat.

TODD: Haven't you got poet, or something like that?

LOVETT:No, y'see, the trouble with poet is
'Ow do you know it's deceased?
Try the priest!

How many surrealists does it take to change a lightbulb?

( Answer )

Q: How many banjo players does it take to cook a possum?

A: Four. ( Answer )

There's one born every minute...this e-mail was sent to me by a co-worker, so I went out and in 30 seconds found this article fromt he local paper:

Massive crackdown on speeders! / January 17, 2008

BY MATT HELMS / FREE PRESS DRIVING COLUMNIST

Only the gullible could believe something so farfetched.

Supposedly there’s a month-long ticketing blitz coming in February, with the goal of raising $9 million for the state – minus $1 million in overtime for the 50 troopers who’ll be on duty 24/7 busting drivers. Some of these troopers will be driving in “brand new unmarked Crown Victoria cruisers,” and they’ll supposedly be writing one ticket every ten minutes. Even part-timers are being called in.

Or so claims an e-mail making the rounds, claiming the state plans “a 30-day speeding ticket frenzy.”

Skeptical readers like David Stoyka of Grosse Pointe Farms figured something was up and asked me about it.

Please, please do yourself, your friends, your neighbors, coworkers, enemies and anyone else a huge, wonderful favor: Don’t forward that e-mail.

If you receive it, hit reply and demand the person who sent it to you send another note to all the people he or she just e-mailed, apologizing for falling for this garbage, for not reading it and thinking even remotely in a critical way, and for cluttering up innocent inboxes.

The e-mail is a hoax.

The Michigan State Police do not have 30 new cruisers. In these economic times? Ha!

MSP spokeswoman Shanon Akans said other falsehoods are equally obvious. For one, the state police don’t have part-time troopers. She also said the department doesn't use unmarked cars for traffic patrols or enforce traffic as a means to raise revenue.

“That’s simply not how we operate,” Akans told me. “It wouldn’t be January if this thing didn’t make its rounds. This is actually the third year now, if I recall correctly, that this has come out in January or February. It is completely false.”

So can we stop forwarding it along now, please?

Not the Disney version:

The Slave of the Ring (Scheherazade) is talking with the villian (Adu Nazir), since this is a children's show he's a little over the top. She tells him he need to act good to get Aladdin to do what he wants.

Abu Nazir: I will act good. [Walks away, pauses] Or is it 'well?'
Scheherazade: I'm sure it will be neither.


Aladdin is being dense and not comprehending something. Scheherazade says: The wheel is spinning, but the hamster is dead.


Abu Nazir (teasing the orchestra): What do you call a drummer who break up with his girlfriend?
Member of the audience: Homeless!
Abu Nazir: We've a drummer out there.


Towards the end of the play Nazir says: This audience is getting ugly. [Pauses. Looks at the audience] On second thought, they walked in that way.

Thanks, angeltatts & that_grr

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Link: The Which Spice Are You Test written by jodiesattva on OkCupid, home of the The Dating Persona Test